Executive Function: The Missing Skill, Not a Character Flaw

Anchored Insights

If a child struggles to start homework, follow directions, or transition without a meltdown, it’s easy to assume the problem is attitude, motivation, or personality. But what looks like “not trying” is often something very different:

A gap in executive function.

Executive function is a set of brain-based skills that help with planning, organization, flexibility, memory, time management, and task initiation. These skills live in the prefrontal cortex — the last part of the brain to fully develop. That means kids and teens are still building them well into their twenties, and children with ADHD tend to lag even further behind.

When Skills Lag, Behavior Struggles

A child who wants to do well may still:

• Shut down when a task feels too big

• Forget multi-step directions halfway through

• Melt down when it's time to stop one activity and start another

• Get “stuck” instead of starting homework

• Lose track of assignments, shoes, or routines

These are not signs of laziness or disrespect. They’re signs that the brain is overwhelmed.

Behavior is communication. And in many homes, the message is: “I don’t know how to do this the way you want me to — yet.”

The Problem: We Expect Skills We Haven’t Taught

Most families unintentionally assume kids “should” know how to:

• Start something without being reminded

• Break big tasks into smaller pieces

• Keep track of time

• Handle interruptions

• Plan ahead and remember what they need

Those are adult-level executive function skills. Children don’t arrive with them — they develop them through modeling, practice, external supports, and patient guidance.

The Reframe That Changes Everything

Instead of asking: “Why won’t they just do it?”

We can ask: “What skill is missing — and how can we support it?”

That reframe opens the door to real progress. When we see the brain behind the behavior, we shift from punishment to partnership.

A Simple Way to Start Supporting EF at Home

One easy tool is the 1-2-3 Break-It-Down Method:

1) Name the outcome clearly
Example: “Backpack ready by the door.”

2) Break it into three steps
• Put the homework folder inside
• Zip the backpack
• Place it by the front door

3) Support the start
Stand nearby for the first step, or use a short prompt instead of a lecture.

Small structure reduces overwhelm and builds confidence. Every time you help break down a task, you’re strengthening the circuits that support independence.

Want More Support?

If executive function struggles are showing up in your home, you’re not alone — and you don’t have to figure it out by yourself.

I host ongoing workshops and parent sessions through Anchored Coaching, designed to help families build skills, reduce overwhelm, and create systems that work in real life.

You can check for upcoming sessions or get notified about the next one here:
https://anchoredtxcoaching.com/EF101forParents

Hosted by Anchored Coaching, in collaboration with Anchored Pediatric Mental Health.

Your child isn’t lazy. Their brain just needs support — and with the right tools, progress is possible.